


The Sugoi Quest For Dan-o

by memeberd



Category: Dan Vs.
Genre: Chris and Elise are trying their best, Cussing, Dan is bi as fuck, F/M, Imposter Dan is gay as heck, M/M, The occasional threat is thrown around, there are some lewd jokes in some chapters, there is a sex part mention, this fic was a joke at first
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-24 02:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7490049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memeberd/pseuds/memeberd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan* decides to come back and pester Dan some more since they're still living under the same identity. (The plan is I add two chapters each day until I hit the spot where I developed writer's block, so here we go)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dan’s phone went off in the middle of the night, jolting him awake. Someone was calling him. Someone was calling Dan at five o’clock in the morning, to be more specific. And whoever it was -unless it was Chris in need of hopefully stress relief sex- was going to get the most yelling they’ll ever receive on the phone.

It wasn’t Chris. In fact, he’d never seen this phone number before.

“Hello…?” Dan growled tiredly, sitting up with his ear curiously pressed to the phone.

“Hello, Dan.” Said the voice from the other line. “How’ve you been?”

Suddenly there was an apple or something caught in Dan’s throat and he struggled to swallow before talking. “Wh-who is this?” He asked, more awake than he was ten seconds ago. Dan had heard this voice somewhere before, and for some reason it was stressing him out to hear this other man click his tongue and speak in this weird playful tone.

“You really don’t remember me, Dan?” He asked disappointedly. “It’s me, Dan.”

“No,” Dan’s eyes bulged, his stomach finally dropping completely before feeling like he’d vomit everywhere. “Nononononono!!” Dan threw his phone far away, too scared to think of hanging up. It all came back, that horrible, sadistic, evil….

Ugh, Dan could practically see those soulless, big, bright blue eyes of his and his stupid shit-eating grin right now!

Dan jumped as Dan*’s laugh assaulted his ears from across the room. The speaker button must’ve been hit when it landed! What kind of luck!

“So you do remember me!” Dan* chuckled from the phone. “Listen, Dan. I’m coming back from my vacation and I thought I’d pay you and your friends a visit. No hard feelings? I thought maybe this time we could actually try to be friends? Hm?”

“IN YOUR DREAMS YOU FREAK!!” Dan bellowed at the phone.

“Woah, calm down tiger! Listen, how about I apologize when I come up there instead of over the phone, sound better?”

Dan crawled to his phone, seething in rage. “LISTEN YOU IDENTITY HIJACKER! If you come anywhere near me, I’LL TEAR YOUR LEGS OFF AND EAT THEM! DON’T CALL AGAIN!!” Dan slammed his phone shut, panting heavily afterward.

 

“Hello?” Chris answered his phone tiredly.

“CHRIS!!”

Chris winced, groggily smiling afterward.

“Oh, hey Dan.”

“CHRIS! WE GOTTA LEAVE THE COUNTRY!!!” Dan ordered, Mr. Mumbles beside him in his car. “Also we’re hungry!”

Dan heard muffled voices before hearing Elise instead of Chris.

“What did you do?” Elise inquired.

“This doesn’t concern you Elise.” Dan retorted. “I believe I was talking to Chris a few seconds ago?”

“Dan,” Elise responded through clenched teeth. “what did you do?” She probed sharply.

“Well,” Dan stumbled over his words. “well, it wasn’t me!” Dan started.

“Oh?” 

“No! It wasn’t! It’s other Dan!!” Dan explained.

“Other Dan? You mean that guy who stole your identity and tried to drive you insane?” Elise asked, confused.

“He called me earlier and said he’s coming back! And he wants to be my friend!” Dan whimpered.

“Okay Dan, I understand you must be outraged, but we don’t need to leave to a completely different country because of this guy.”

“Oh, you thought you were coming with us?” Dan parked the car in front of Chris and Elise’s house, picked up Mr. Mumbles and exited his car. 

Elise glared at Chris. 

Chris shrugged.

Dan heard an “Unbelievable” from Elise before hearing Chris’ voice again.

“Dan!”

“No worries, I got a better idea.” Dan said as he inspected the front of the house for a way in. Nope. “Hold on,” Dan wandered to the garage, aha! The garage door wasn’t down all the way! 

Dan set his cat down. “Come on, Mr. Mumbles.” The borderline criminal got onto his stomach and began to shimmy under the door. Mr. Mumbles got through with ease because she was small, Dan, not so much.

“What are you doing?” Chris asked when he heard Dan grunt.

“... I’m stuck. Come get me.” Dan demanded, writhing under the door. Curse his pudgy out-of-shape body! “Or, wait, Mr. Mumbles, press the button!”

The door connecting the garage to the rest of the house opened, revealing an angered Elise.

“Oh, hey Elise. Don’t mind me, I’m just laying here.” Dan cooley patted the ground in front of his face.

Elise gave Dan an ugly stare. “Looks like I left the garage door open.” She lifted her hands, smiling in embarrassment. “Good thing no one broke in.” Elise pressed the button that does the job of closing the door.

“Elise NO!” Dan shrieked, wiggling under the door as it began to unforgivingly bare down on his lower back. “ARGH!!” Dan groaned in pain. “FUCK YOU ELISE!!”

“Oh, hi Mr. Mumbles!” Elise picked up the scraggly kitten and receded back into her home.

“ELISE!!” Dan gasped, pulling his phone to his mouth for dear life. “CHRIIIIS!!!”


	2. Chapter 2

“So, maybe,” Chris began, setting a plate of eggs on the table in front of Dan. “we try knocking on the door from now on.”

Dan gave his first bite of eggs to Mr. Mumbles. “Or I just never try to enter through the garage door again.. Hey, why don’t you ever just give me a spare key? I come in here often enough!” Dan said through a mouthful of egg.

“Because you’d steal more than just our money at that point.” Elise renounced.

Dan looked at Chris expectantly, letting his kitten eat some more egg at the same time.

“Sorry Dan, we’re worried you might steal our tv and sell it for money if we give you a key to our house.”

Dan scoffed, slamming his hands on the table. “I would not! I like your tv!”

“Anyway,” Elise began. “how do you plan on evading your ‘alter ego’ this time?”

“Simple.” Dan said, taking a swig of orange juice. “I’ll just hide in here until he gives up and leaves.”

“No.” Elise said.

“Whuh? Why not??” Dan whined. “Do you really want to put poor, sweet, Mr. Mumbles and I through all this without your help?” He lifted his scraggly kitten up to his face, making puppy eyes at Elise.

Elise’s stern expression didn’t falter.

“Uh,” Chris began. “I honestly don’t see what’s so wrong with it.”

Elise and Dan both whipped around to see whose side Chris was on.

“I mean, he is a pretty nice guy.” Chris said, smiling cautiously at Dan.

Dan stared at Chris with dissatisfaction.

“What, so if they make you food you let ‘em walk all over you? Fake Dan makes you a pie, ‘Oh, he’s not such a bad guy Dan!’ Elise makes you dinner once, ‘I wanna spend my life with her, Dan!’”

“So, Dan,” Elise began. “how did you like your breakfast?”

Dan and Mr. Mumbles were both stuffed. “Just fine, why? …. Did you poison our food?” Dan leaned forward with squinted eyes.

 

Dan was forcefully shoved out of the house by Elise.

“Goodbye, Dan.” Elise yelled, closing the door.

Dan was on his stomach, staring at his surroundings with dumbfounded shock. Did his own friends seriously just kick him out of their house? And keep his cat??

This was the final straw. Dan shot upward, cursing the heavens. “ELIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!!!” His arms swung about angrily.

The door opened again and Dan’s upper half twisted to see who was there now. Chris apologetically set Mr. Mumbles onto the ground.

“I’m really sorry, Dan…” Chris’ brow was furrowed, the taller man was obviously stressed from all these shenanigans Dan had put him through. But something always had him still caring for Dan, no matter what.

“You’re not Chris!” Dan said as he picked up his scraggly kitten and heartbrokenly rubbed her against his face. “You’ve become Elise’s slave... It was nice knowin’ ya, pal.”

Chris’ heart wrenched and twisted as he heard the words leave Dan’s mouth. “Dan, it’s still me! If other Dan comes by your house I promise I’ll help you, I promise Dan!”

“Well,” Dan straightened his posture, beginning to take a step toward his car. “At least I know you’re still in there.” Dan got in his car and began to drive off.

Chris watched Dan leave, and then drive in reverse to him. The passenger window slowly rolled down and Dan, leaning toward it, said “I’ll call you.” And with that, he rolled the window back up, accidentally drove backwards some more and then jolted forward before finally driving away.

Elise approached Chris, who was still watching Dan’s car leave. “Really?” Elise looked up at him through half-lidded eyes.

 

Once Dan finally arrived at his apartment, he trudged up the stairs to his door. Mr. Mumbles was following him closely. As he approached the door, Dan thought he could hear someone’s voice.

That voice.

Dan bit his lip, he had nothing except his keys and Mr. Mumbles! … And his phone…

The door was unlocked. Cracked open to be more exact. Dan* was here and expecting him.

Dan pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at it, the thing’s been run over before and it survived. Dan knew just what he had to do.

The door slowly inched open, Dan* was nowhere to be seen. The only evidence of the creep being here was the fact that...

Actually Dan has no evidence. His house was still dirty, and he could’ve hallucinated Dan*’s voice just then. But Dan* had to be here! Why? Because he just knew. Obviously.

Thankfully, nothing jumped out at Dan as he and Mr. Mumbles cautiously entered the territory. But he knew Dan* was still here, the only other place he could be was…

His room.

Dan’s room.

“Stay here, Mr. Mumbles.” Dan whispered to his kitten. He chewed on his lip as he made his way to his room, phone held high in his hand, ready to be thrown.

Dan’s room was uninhabited and untouched.

That’s just what Dan* wanted him to think, surely!

 

Chris and Elise were eating dinner.

“It’s been awhile since we heard from Dan,” Elise said. “think he’s got everything under control?”

“That or he fell down the stairs in panic and killed himself, ran into the street in panic and killed himself, or got in a car crash and killed himself, or Dan confiscated his phone, or he’s just been waiting for Dan to show up.” Chris listed through a mouthful of chicken.

“Why do your first three options sound great right now?”

“Elise,” Chris chided.

“What?” Elise smirked sheepishly. “You’re not as sick of him bothering us as I am?”

“Well as much as I want Dan to be able to give us some privacy sometimes-” Chris was cut off by his ringtone. “Hello?”

“CHRIS COME QUICK IT'S AN EMERGENCY HURRY!!!” Dan screamed into his phone before hanging up.

“Was that Dan?” Elise asked.

“Yep.” Chris said, standing up. “I’d better go.” Chris picked up his plate, slapped on some more mashed potatoes and chicken and-- Elise took the plate from him and set it back on the table.

“You can finish when you come back home, honey.”

Chris sighed in defeat. “Fine, love you.” He gave Elise a kiss on the cheek and left.

 

Chris knocked on Dan’s front door to reveal it was already open. “Dan? I’m here.”

“FINALLY! What took you so long??” Dan raised his hands in exasperation, approaching Chris.

“Uhh, Dan?” Chris gave Dan a confused look. “Where’s Dan?”

“He’s not here right now.” Dan said, walking away.

“Not here?? But Dan, the plan was I’d come here only if Dan was here!”

“Oh, he’ll be here, alright.” Dan rubbed his hands together, hunched over on his couch. “Now come sit next to me while we wait.”

“Dan, I was just eating dinner,”

“Now, monkey man!”

Chris scowled and plopped down next to Dan, pulling a container of cotton candy out from under the couch cushion.

 

Chris was awoken by his ringtone.

“Hm, hello?” Chris tiredly croaked. How long were he and Dan waiting??

“Chris, you’ve been gone for two hours now. Is everything alright?”

It was Elise.

Chris groaned as he scooched forward in Dan’s couch. He glanced and noticed Dan was sleeping next to him, still with his knees bent and arms around his legs.

“Dan had us wait for Dan to get here, he still hasn’t shown up yet… I’m ready to call it quits for today and I’ll come home, okay?” Chris blinked hard, his eyes were burning.

“Alright, Chris. I love you.”

“I love you too, gorgeous.”

After the call ended, Chris lightly touched Dan’s shoulder.

“Dan,”

Dan’s arms loosened their grip on his legs and he muttered something under his breath.

“Dan, wake up.” Chris nudged Dan harder.

“Hm?” Dan completely let go of his legs and stretched, taking in a sharp breath of air. “Is other Dan here yet?”

“No, I’m gonna go home, Dan. I’m sure you’ll be perfectly fine all night.”

Dan was too tired to argue. 

“Alright…” Dan yawned. “See ya tomorrow…”

Chris was shocked that Dan was okay with him leaving, but Chris was not going to say anything. If he did, he might not get anymore sleep.

Dan got up slowly, pulling his shirt off and carrying it with him to his room before dropping it near his bed. Dan then dropped his pants and crawled into bed.

Dan, using the last of his energy, called Mr. Mumbles who immediately responded and curled up on his chest.

Unfortunately, Dan was far too tired and comfortable to hear someone crawling out from under his bed.

Dan* smiled at the peaceful scene before he spoke.

“I’m honestly surprised you never looked under the bed, Dan-o.” Dan* said, crossing his arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan’s eyes shot open, staring at Dan* in disbelief. They locked eyes for a minute before Dan pushed his kitten off of himself and bolted for his phone.

Dan ran into the living room at the highest speed his legs allowed, his phone wasn’t in there… Wasn’t that where he left it??

“Ah-ah-ah, I wouldn’t call Chris if I were you.” Dan* warned, wiggling Dan’s phone in his hand before slipping it into his pocket as he mosied into the living room.

Dan shrunk in defeat. “Augh, how did you- GRAPES!!” Dan launched a fistful of grapes (courtesy of the bag of grapes near him) into Dan*’s face before darting back into his room to use the second phone next to his bed. Dan*’s face scrunched at the grapes, but he remained where he stood as Dan tried to dial Chris’ number, but to no avail. 

“That’s not gonna work, Dan.” That salty eel cut the cord!!

Dan let out a distressed shout.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??” Dan loudly inquired as Dan* reentered the bedroom.

“I just thought we could have some-- WOAH!!” Dan* ducked just in time; Dan threw the old fashioned bedside phone right at him! Dan* looked down at it, it broke into pieces as soon as it hit the wall. He whipped back into place to scowl at Dan. “DAN! What on earth was that for?!”

“YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE YOU FUCKING FREAK!”

“Our house, Dan, our house!” Dan* stomped his foot. But only a little, he wouldn’t admit he was losing his cool at this moment in time. A shaky sigh rattled out of the impostor before he spoke again. "Dan, I'm not here to hurt you. Okay? Listen, I took your phone because I knew you’d talk to Chris. I just want to talk to you right now. So we can patch things up. I’m still Dan, this is still my apartment.”

“Aww, you’re still me?!” Dan winced. “Well, why don’t you just buy a different apartment so I don’t have to deal with you?”

“Mmm,” Dan* thought for a bit. “That’s not important. Put some clothes on, animal.”

“I think I’ll go back to sleep instead.” Dan plopped onto his bed, arms crossed.

“Put some fucking clothes on, Dan.” Dan* ordered.

 

“Uhh, so, where are we going?” Dan asked. They were in Dan’s car, Dan* was driving. They hadn’t ventured anywhere outside of civilization, so Dan figured he was mostly safe for now. If anything happened he’d be able to get away anyhow.

“Well, since you usually force Chris to buy food for you, I thought I’d take you to Burgerphile.”

“Burgerphile? At one in the morning?” Dan gave Dan* an inquisitive look.

“Yep. Unless you have something else in mind?”

“Continue driving to the intended destination.” Dan demanded.

“Of course, Dan-o.” Dan* reassured his childish counterpart.

 

“So,” Dan* began long after they got their food and a seat. “how’s life been treatin’ ya, Dan?”

“I’m pretty sure life hates me since it just sent me and my mortal enemy out for dinner.” Dan appeared to be avoiding eye contact, but Dan* didn’t let that bother him. Dan* laughed at Dan’s remark instead.

“Have I ever told you how funny you are? You’re hilarious.”

Dan finally looked at Dan* uncomfortably. “Okay, this is gettin’ kinda weird… Listen, uh, you. I refuse to just call you my name, or just you, so uh… You’re gonna have to tell me your actual name.”

All kinds of names fit this man, his favorite one was always the baker. Before Dan.

“Alright, you got me.” Dan* raised his hands in playful defeat. “You can call me Clarence.” He said, poking Dan’s chest from across the table.

Dan smirked. “Clarence?” 

“That’s my old identity. You can call me-”

Dan could feel laughter bubble up inside of him. “You want me to call you Clarence??” Dan wheezed as the laughter finally escaped him. “Clarence!” Dan cried whenever he was given a break to breath.

Well that was good Dan found it that amusing. Clarence also found it nonthreatening enough that Dan would get used to him faster.

“Whatever you say, Clarence!” Dan said before bursting into laughter again. Clarence couldn’t help but join, Dan’s laughter was too cute and silly. “Can I have my phone back now?”

 

Clarence’s plan to get Dan to warm up to him was working nicely. Eventually, he wouldn’t have to worry about leaving Dan. Clarence glanced at his tired counterpart, sitting next to him in the car. This was pretty nice.

“So, to me, it looks like I got you to hate me less.” Clarence complacently said. “Am I right, Dan-o?”

“Don’t get too cocky, this doesn’t mean we’re friends or anything.” Dan yawned.

“Well, I’d imagine we’d have to become friends eventually. I mean,” Clarence’s expression went from that of self satisfaction to smugness. “we are going to sleep in the same bed.”

“Excuse me?” Dan was fully awake again.

“Well I’m not sleeping on the floor, or your nasty couch. Are you?”

Dan’s mind was clouded with sleepiness, he couldn’t seem to think of any ways to keep Clarence off of his bed.

“Aw, c’mon,” Dan whined. “But that’s my bed!”

“Our bed.” Clarence corrected. “Remember, I’m legally you still.”

Then clearly it must be so.

Dan huffed in defeat.

Wow, that worked.

 

Both of them were rather small (Clarence would brag how he had a few inches over Dan) so they managed to fit in Dan’s bed alright.

“You comfortable, Dan-o?”

Dan was still fully clothed. “I will never be fully comfortable until you leave my home forever.”

There was still a chance this wouldn’t work, but Clarence couldn’t give up now. If he could get Dan to like him, he wouldn’t have to worry about finding another identity again. Also Dan looked cuddly. How long was Clarence staring at Dan?

Dan was starting to consider sleeping on the couch again.

“Don’t be like that, Dan.” Nice catch, Clarence. “I don’t bite. I promise.” A smug smile spread across his face as he turned out the light.

Even though Dan was still nervous, and also alarmed at how close he was to Clarence, the creep was actually kinda warm.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are sex jokes in this one, if you don't like sex jokes don't say I didn't warn you

Dan woke up with his head rested on Clarence’s chest. Uh-oh. He tried to get up, but Mr. Mumbles was on his back! Damn, he didn’t want to disturb her. 

Actually, more than Dan’s head was making contact with Clarence’s body. How mortifying. He managed to drape himself over Clarence as if he was Clarence’s stupid girlfriend or something!

“Clarence…” Dan whispered in embarrassment.

Clarence wrapped an arm around Dan. “It’s okay…” Clarence mumbled in his sleep.

NO. THAT'S NOT OKAY!

“Clarence!!” Dan hissed.

The stupid imposter’s eyes slowly opened. “Hm?” 

“Get Mr. Mumbles off of me or I’ll bite you right now!”

“No, no, y’can’t eat that…” Clarence’s eyes closed again.

Dan growled. He didn’t actually want to sink his teeth into Clarence, and the easiest place to reach was currently his neck. And that was really kinky, which wasn’t what Dan was going for.

“CLARENCE WAKE UP!” Dan yelled.

Clarence grabbed Dan’s shoulders and shot up into a sitting position.

“What’s happening?”

“Let go of my shoulders, filth.”

Clarence’s mouth formed a thin line and he tiredly let go of Dan’s shoulders before falling back onto the bed.

“What’s wrong, Dan?” Clarence asked.

“Oh, nothing. You just launched my cat into oblivion you heartless animal abuser!”

Mr. Mumbles did get launched into the air, but she also landed on a large pile of socks. She was fine, he closed his eyes again.

“That’s nice, Dan.” Clarence said, pretending he didn’t hear his grumpy counterpart.

“And what are you doing, you lazy jerk? It’s time to get up already!” Dan barked, leaning over Clarence.

Clarence peaked an eye at Dan before pulling the smaller man on top of him. Dan yelped in surprise as he fell back into the position he was trying to avoid.

Dan growled. “Clarence!!” He struggled to get out of the grip of the identity thief, whose icy blue eyes stared into his. “Stoppit, you weirdo!” Dan finally managed to get Clarence’s arms off of him and he sat up, glaring at the idiot underneath him.

Clarence was just smiling at him. What the hell was he smiling at Dan for? 

Clarence could see Dan’s face flush before he got off of him. 

“Okay, I’m gonna set some ground rules since I really can’t get you to leave. Stop invading my personal space! Just, just don’t do that anymore. That was really…” Dan looked visibly confused. “Um, yeah. Also I’m never sleeping next to you ever again.”

Clarence rolled over onto his side. “Why not, Dan-o? I told you I don’t bite.”

“You know exactly why, freak show.” Dan snarled, pointing at Clarence.

 

Someone was knocking mercilessly away at Chris and Elise’s door. It was probably Dan.

Elise sat on the couch with a mug of coffee, she figured she could probably ignore it and Dan would leave, but she was wrong about that.

“CHRIS! ELISE! OPEN UP HURRY!!” Dan screamed behind the door.

Elise finally trudged to the door, tiredly opening it. “Good morning, Dan.” Elise said.

“Huh!” Dan scoffed, entering the house. “Likely, where’s Chris?”

“He’s in the shower, Dan. Ever heard of a shower?”

“Ha, ha.” Dan dismissed Elise as he approached the bathroom, hand aimed at the door knob.

“Dan what are you doing?” Elise promptly inquired.

“Getting Chris, what does it look like?” The bathroom door opened, the water was loud and the room was already warm and steamy. Chris’ humming accompanied the sound of the water hitting the floor.

“Mornin’ hon, would you close the door please?” Chris asked before the curtain whipped open to reveal Dan. Chris screamed.

“DAN!!” Elise roared, dashing into the bathroom to drag Dan back into the living room. “LET CHRIS FINISH!”

“HE’S WASTING TIME IS WHAT HE’S DOING!” Dan struggled in Elise’s grip. She threw him onto the couch.

“You’re going to sit right here and not interrupt Chris, got it?” Elise snapped.

Dan slouched and sighed. “Fine.”

Elise sat back down, taking another sip from her mug. “What brings you here so early this time, Dan?”

“Clarence…” Dan spat.

Elise set her mug down and thought for a moment. “Who?”

“I-I mean, other Dan. He told me to call him Clarence.”

“Oh, so he showed up overnight?”

“The rat was under my bed the whole time we were waiting for him! I’m just- I’m so confused now,”

“You really look distressed too, Dan. I feel kinda bad I kicked you out yesterday, did he hurt you or anything?”

“No actually. He's been questionably nice, he took me out for dinner at one in the morning…” The more Dan reflected on the previous events, the more embarrassed he got. Dan bent over, head buried in his hands. “Oh no..”

Elise looked mildly amused. Did they bang last night or something?

“Dan, whatever happened, it sounds really romantic.” Elise jokingly clasped her hands together and fluttered her eyelashes.

Dan whimpered. “It sounds more romantic than it was…”

“What?”

Just then, Chris exited the bathroom in a towel. “Alright, I’m out of the shower and I’m ready to talk about how not okay that was, Dan.”

“Chris! Thank goodness you’re out!” Dan leaned forward in his seat before standing up. “I need you to forcefully shove Clarence into a small crate!” 

Chris’ eyes narrowed. “I’m not doing that… Who’s Clarence?”

“Chris, honey, I think Dan’s romantically conflicted,” Elise said.

Oh no. It was time.

Chris sat down next to Dan, resting a hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“Alright, Dan, I think it’s time we had the talk.”

Dan tore his shoulder out of Chris’ grip.

“What am I? Nine?! I know how sex works, you sweat jockey!”

“Fifty dollars says he’s lying.” Elise said.

“I am not lying,” Dan crossed his arms. “I love vaginas!”

Elise cringed for Dan.

“Do you even know where the clitoris is?”

“Well I’m not trying to give Dan straight therapy,” Chris said.

“I would hope not. We’re supposed to be handling my pesky imposter problem.” Dan had no idea what Chris actually said.

“Well, okay Dan. First of all, tell us everything that happened last night.”

“Why should I? I already told Elise!”

“You didn’t tell me everything.” Elise said.

“Wait you actually told her something?” Chris asked, smiling. “Good job, Dan.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“Anyway, you have to tell us because it’s kinda important.” 

“Okay, fine, I’ll tell you again. But I’m not going to repeat myself!” Dan got up and began to pace. “After you left, Clarence crawled out from under my bed and took away my phone privileges.” He stopped and faced Chris with hands placed on his hips. “Id est I could’ve been murdered because of you deciding to leave my side so early.” 

“Clearly, Clarence had other plans.” Elise said.

“Are you gonna let me finish telling my story?” Dan snapped before continuing to pace. “Instead of killing me, Clarence talked me into going to Burgerphile with him and bought me dinner.”

“At how late?” Chris asked.

“That’s not important, none of that was important. The important part is-- after that-- Clarence…” Dan closed his eyes and shivered, triggering expressions of fear to surface on Chris and Elise. Actually that only applied to Chris. Elise looked mildly entertained for some reason.

“Dan what did he do?” Elise asked.

“Please, don’t laugh…” Dan begged.

Wait, Dan begged?? What the hell did this guy do?

“Clarence talked me into sharing my bed with him.”

“Dan,” Chris began. “did you and Clarence, uh, have sex?”

Dan went red in the face. “NO!! OF COURSE NOT!!! Were you even listening to me?!”

“Dan, it sounds like Clarence is attracted to you from what you’ve just told us.” Elise said.

Dan looked as if he just witnessed someone punt his cat off a cliff. Except instead of getting infuriated after the ‘dumbfounded shock’ stage, he crumpled into a chair dramatically.

“I know…” Dan groaned into the cushion before laying on his back and grimly staring at the ceiling.

Chris and Elise shared a surprised glance.

Elise got up, actually feeling concerned for the jerk now.

“Dan,” She began. “are you feeling emotionally conflicted right now?”

“What?” Dan looked at Elise. “No! I’m always emotionally conflicted… What?”

“Do you feel like you might like him back, Dan?” Elise asked, running her fingers through Dan’s messy, poorly kept bed-head hair. 

Dan sat up quickly, looking terrified. “NO! No, I can’t!” Elise could see the stress build up inside of Dan more and more as he gripped his head. “I have to get rid of him…”

“Dan, didn’t Clarence say that he wanted to apologize? Don’t you think he doesn’t really pose a threat in that case?” Chris said.

“I must be rid of him by sundown.”

“Dan! Please, just give him a chance.” Elise pleaded. “He’s been nothing but nice to you since he came back, right?”

“Elise, you don’t understand-” Dan said.

“Oh, I think I understand. You’re a jerk who lets his anger take control of his life because he thinks that’s gonna solve his problems somehow.”

“You also only express yourself through sheer anger.” Chris added.

“And hide from your other emotions as much as possible. I think just this once, you should see what happens when you go through this ordeal without petty vengeance.”

Dan appeared to be thinking about what Elise had said, though she expected him to brush her off like always.

"If he messes up though, we'll destroy him." Elise added.

"Uhh, I dunno about that." Chris was always uncomfortable with violence. Pansy.

Then Dan mumbled something.

“Wha-what was that??” Elise stuttered.

“I SAID OKAY!! ALRIGHT?!”

Did Elise hear a choir of angels singing just now??

“Did you-- you listened to me??” Elise smiled.

“He must be really desperate.” Chris whispered.

Dan stood up. “If this ends in shambles it’s gonna be your fault, missy.” Dan warned, leaving the house.

Elise and Chris sat quietly for two minutes.

“Can you believe it Elise?”

“He listened to me and left without you… I wonder if this means Dan and Clarence’ll get married in a month?” Elise leaned back in her chair.

“It feels so weird to not be leaving with Dan… I feel so unnatural… I need another shower!” Chris ran back into the bathroom.

“I can get used to this…” Elise took another sip of her coffee.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan was headed back home. Without Chris.

Dan figured Clarence was just using him, for what, he wasn’t fully sure. But Dan knew Clarence was still him, and he wanted to stay him. Dan was not going to have that. As soon as Dan stepped back into his apartment, his plan would begin.

And Clarence wasn’t in the apartment.

Dan dropped his keys next to the door angrily. Clarence cleaned his house before he left. He was going to come back. 

Or he was hiding!

Dan rushed into his bedroom. No one was there or so it appeared. Dan dropped onto his stomach and looked under the bed. No Clarence.

Dan stood back up. “Clarence?” He called, walking back into the living room. Dan looked at Mr. Mumbles who was curled up on the couch. “Where did he go Mr. Mumbles?”

“Meow” The kitten yawned.

Dan heard muffled singing coming from the bathroom.

“Oh,” Dan looked at the door.

 

“Chris, honey? Someone’s calling you!” Elise exclaimed behind the bathroom door.

The door swung open and Chris shot out of the bathroom, shower still running.

“I got it!” Chris squawked, grabbing his cellphone and holding it close to his ear. “Dan?” 

“He’s in my shower…” Dan whispered into his phone.

“DAN!” Chris cried, relieved to hear Dan’s voice.

“Really?” Elise was disappointed. Dan didn’t listen to her at all, did he?

“Who’s in your shower, Dan?”

“Clarence! I can’t take this anymore. Come over here and back me up!!” Dan ordered before hanging up.

“Alright.” Chris set his phone down, placing his hands on his hips. “I must go, Elise. I’ve got somewhere to be.”

“Put some clothes on and turn off the shower before you play with Dan first.” Elise nagged.

“Of course, gorgeous.”

 

Dan was pacing back and forth in front of the apartments with Mr. Mumbles in his arms.

“He better get here soon…” Dan muttered sharply before stopping in his tracks to smell the air. “Is it just me or does it smell like,” Dan sniffed again. “mud? And sweet tea!”

Mr. Mumbles mewled at him.

“Pshaha, rednecks don’t live in L.A.” Dan dismissed his baby, beginning to pace again. Dan was disturbed from his frustrated pacing by several large trucks driving by. Most of them were sporting dried mud spattered on their sides. He watched them all go. “Huh.”

Dan and his kitten shared concerned looks.

“Did you like the look of those trucks just now?”

“Meow.”

“Me neither, Mr. Mumbles.”

Finally Chris’ car pulled up, Dan set his cat down and rushed down the stairs.

“Chris, what-”

“Took me so long?” Chris finished Dan’s question for him. “I’d stop questioning it by now if I were you.”

Dan distastefully stared at the smug monkey man. Chris’ smile only increased in size.

“Anyway, not only is Clarence using my shower, but there are rednecks here!!!”

“Rednecks don’t live in L.A.” Chris argued.

Chris and Dan watched as a dark old car drove by, a scraggly man with a beard was driving. He was smoking and listening to… country music.

Chris was astounded. “Was that…?” He couldn’t even finish his sentence.

“I told you! But we’ll deal with them later, right now we have to get rid of Clarence somehow.” Dan started up the stairs.

“Dan, I thought you were gonna try what Elise suggested.” Chris said.

Dan stopped, one foot on a step, and turned to look at Chris.

“Admittedly I was, but the guy’s using my shower.” Dan frowned and continued his way up the stairs.

“Isn’t he living with you now?” Chris asked as they ascended the steps. “And why do you care, you never use your shower.”

“ONCE a month!” Dan corrected his friend. “It’s awful.”

“Sure sounds unpleasant.” Chris sarcastically added.

“It really is.” Dan said as they approached the door. Once they were close enough, Chris noticed that the sun was suddenly blocked out by something above Dan. He looked up to see what it was, someone pushed over a large satellite dish from the roof of the apartments!! Chris grabbed Dan’s shoulders and yanked him backwards.

“AH!” Dan yelped in surprise, it almost crushed his feet! “What the-??” Dan squinted and looked to wherever the dish could have come from.

“Are you okay, Dan?” Chris asked.

“Of course I’m okay, you saved me.” Dan stepped over the broken dish and nudged the front door open with his foot. The two friends entered the house, cat prancing in after them, and Dan gestured to his bathroom door.

Chris was confused by the motion. “What? We’re just going to ignore that someone just tried to kill you??” Dan hurried to the bathroom door, grabbing the doorknob. Chris sighed. “...We’re not gonna force him out of the shower, are we?”

“That’s exactly what we’re gonna do. And then you’re gonna fold him into a wet, naked pretzel!”

Chris was scrambling for words, first of all he was not about to fold the nice fake Dan into a pretzel and second of all Dan shouldn’t be so rude! 

He only managed to get out a “Wait Dan no-you shouldn’t-You can’t just-” before his lawless friend threw open the door. “DAN!” Chris shouted, running after Dan.

“You’re back,” Clarence said after the sound of a door slamming into the wall was heard. “how was your little talk with Chris and- HEUAGH!” He choked out as Dan wrapped his angry little arms around Clarence’s neck and yanked him out of the shower.

Clarence’s feet slipped unsteadily and his legs tangled as he tried to catch himself on Dan, who wasn’t prepared for Clarence to lose his balance like that. Dan shrieked as it clicked in his mind that he wasn’t going to be able to stop himself from falling, and he also wasn’t capable of acting fast enough to keep Clarence from landing on top of him.

They both groaned in displeasure after they hit the ground.

“Why did you do that?!” Clarence asked bitterly

“Why were you in my shower, scab?” Dan retaliated, squinting at the man on top of him.

Clarence pushed himself up so he was just sitting on Dan’s waist.

“I was using our shower because normal people take showers daily, Dan.” Clarence growled in Dan’s face. His expression quickly went from irritation to surprised embarrassment as Chris quickly entered the bathroom.

“NAKED!” Chris impulsively shouted, facing away from both Dans. 

“What are you doing, GRAB HIM!!” Dan thrashed under Clarence.

Clarence pushed off of Dan and stood, wrapping a towel around his waist and turning off the shower.

“You can look now, Chris.” Clarence calmly reassured the tall man trying to be polite in the doorway. Said tall man let out a sigh of relief and turned back around. 

“Now, what is this all about?” Clarence asked.

“You can’t use my shower!!” Dan whined, jumping to his feet.

“And why not?” Clarence placed his hands on his hips. 

“I think it’s just a Dan thing.” Chris budded in.

“He’s using my bed, Chris!! Isn’t that enough?!”

“Dan, he lives here. Who’s shower is he gonna use?”

“Yours? And you’re not staying here a moment longer, Clarence!! Out ya go!” Dan darted behind Clarence and tried to shove him forward by his bare back. Clarence went nowhere. Dan tried again, straining to get the impostor to move at least an inch.

Clarence smirked at Chris. “I’m a little embarrassed we met again this way, how’ve you been Chris?” 

Dan darted out from behind Clarence, panting. “Don’t you even talk to him!!” He wheezed.

“Well it’s been a nice chat.” Clarence said pleasantly, clasping his hands together. “How about you two leave the bathroom and cool off while I make myself decent?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Chris agreed as he scooped a dissatisfied Dan up and exited the bathroom.

“Why are you on his side?” Dan asked after the door closed.

“Because Clarence is nice and there’s nothing wrong with him using your shower, Dan!” Chris said, setting Dan down onto the couch and sitting next to him. “Now we’re going to calm down and talk this out with Clarence!”

“I don’t want to!” Dan whined.

“If you behave and get along with him, we might- OW!”

Dan punched him!

Well that wasn’t really a surprise, but it hurt!

“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.” Dan spat.

“You practically are one.” That remark landed another punch between the ribs for Chris. “Listen, Dan, just try and actually talk to Clarence. No insults, no aggravated assault, just talk to him, and see where that gets you.”

Dan didn’t say anything.


	6. Chapter 6

Mr. Mumbles leapt into Dan’s lap and made herself comfortable. Dan let himself smile and he ran his fingers through her soft ragged fur. Chris leaned back in the couch. Success.

Another hand rested itself on Mr. Mumbles and it almost touched Dan’s. Dan looked up and was met with a pair of soft, dreamy blue eyes.

“Feel better yet, Dan-o?” The eyes asked.

Dan blinked hard. “That’s debatable.”

Chris cleared his throat. “Anyway, I believe we have some talking to do since Dan still has a problem with you living here.”

“I know you hired a hitman!” Dan blurted. 

Clarence was stunned, he stared at Dan with wide blue eyes before speaking. “Excuse me?”

“Go look outside for yourself! He did a pretty lousy job of crushing me.”

“You mean, someone tried to kill you?!” Clarence ran to the front door to discover the remains of the satellite dish all over the ground. He squinted hard and briefly looked to see if anyone was still around, no one in sight… Clarence shut and locked the door.

“I refuse to be used by you!” Dan shouted as Clarence returned. “If all you truly want from me is my identity, then you’ll have to find someone else to terrorize, or pry it from my cold dead hands after hiring a better hitman!!!”

“Hm, well, first of all,” Clarence began. “I don’t wanna leave. Second of all I don’t want you dead! Whoever just tried to kill you must be someone who was on one of your lists.” Dan still wasn’t swayed.

“You’re on my list.” Dan snarled.

“I don’t want you dead.” Clarence emphasized. “And it’s not like I’m going to steal money from you or anything. There’s nothing to steal. It’s a wonder how you’re making rent,” Dan looked offended. “long story short we both have our own bank accounts.”

“WHAT?!” Dan was enraged, he pulled out his wallet and opened it face down, allowing the pocket money he had to fall out. “ALL I HAVE IS TWENTY DOLLARS AND YOU’RE MAKING MORE THAN ME?!”

“It’s a wonder what jobs can do for people.” Clarence smiled and raised a brow at his angry counterpart.

Dan pointed at Clarence like his finger alone would kill him. “YOU’LL USE THE SAME BANK ACCOUNT AS ME OR I’LL TEAR YOUR LEGS OFF!!!”

“You couldn’t tear the legs off a fly, amigo.” Clarence taunted.

“Wait,” Chris tore the two from their dispute. “it sounds like you don’t even really need Dan’s identity if you can support yourself.”

“Yeah!” Dan agreed. “Why can’t you just be… Whoever you were before you started stealing people’s identities?” 

Clarence finger gunned at Dan. “That, my friend, is a long story.”

“Why don’t you just go back to being the baker?” Chris asked.

“Baking accident.”

“You’ve caused accidents?” Dan asked in disbelief.

“Yes, it was horrible I don’t want to talk about it.” Clarence sounded suspiciously like Elise when she danced around explaining personal contents of her life. Dan and Chris thought nothing of it.

“I didn’t really have anything special planned for today,” Clarence swiftly changed the subject. “but are you guys hungry? We could go out somewhere.” By somewhere Clarence probably meant Burgerphile. 

It was pouring rain outside.

“Not in this weather.” Dan said.

Chris stood. “We’ll go without you.”

“Alright, see ya Dan-o.” Clarence said, walking away with Chris.

“Hey, no!!” Dan scooped Mr. Mumbles up and dumped her onto the couch. “Okay I’ll go with you guys, I was just joking!” He scrambled to catch up with them.

Clarence laughed and Chris smiled at him.

 

The rain didn’t slow down for a second during the whole trip to Burgerphile, and to add the icing on the cake, it looked like there was going to be another redneck sighting very soon.

As they pulled into the parking lot, Dan took notice of a large, dirty, gas gussler taking up two parking spaces.

“The gall…” Dan hissed.

“Well, would you look at that.” Clarence marveled. That sure looked like something a stereotypical redneck would drive, and what would a redneck be doing somewhere like L.A.?

“Chris and I saw several of those earlier while you were showering.”

“In a row??” Clarence was awestruck now.

“Yes. I already have a theory that there is some sort of epidemic only exclusive to rednecks, for whatever reason, that has caused the healthy ones to flock to areas they wouldn’t normally inhabit until a cure is developed. We’re going to have to expect to see more where that came from.”

Clarence snickered.

“I highly doubt that, Dan.” Chris said as they pulled into a decent parking spot.

“Listen,” Dan said as everyone exited out of the car. “Rednecks are nothing but pests! If we want to live a wholesome redneckless life,”

“Stop it!” Chris ordered.

“I know, I hate to say it too, buddy, but we’ll have to move out of L.A.” Dan said wistfully.

“Um, Dan, you know it could just be a family of rednecks coming up to visit someone.” Clarence reasoned.

“But how would that explain…?” Dan trailed off mid sentence and thought for a moment. “Hm, I guess it would make sense for rednecks to have disproportionately large families.”

“Well, there’s your answer, Dan.” Chris said as they reached the door of Burgerphile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I have so far and I'm not sure if I'll finish this or not. It's still a work in progress and you, the reader, can probably tell this was starting to morph into a different story (Dan vs. Rednecks, which was an idea I came up with while frustrated with a group of redneck kids in my class) but, if I do end up abandoning this one I have at least three more fanfiction ideas that I'd like to have done. I've already started working on one of them. (All Dan vs. related of course)


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